(The following transcription is the ACTUAL way I entertained myself in my brain while I shoveled for a long time two weeks ago.)
Stacey Molski has established herself as a major contender in the 2014 Olympics for the category of Shoveling Your Parent’s Driveway to Get Your Borrowed Car Up It. She is a little old for this competition, but since she is a bit of a hoarder and hasn’t moved all of her things out of her parents’ house yet, she’s still a qualifier. With her age in mind, we know this is a big day for Stacey. This could very well be her last Olympic showing.
Her timing is impeccable. Molski just happened to be in town at her parent’s house for a dentist visit when this snowstorm hit. Can we call it a Snowpacolypse? Sure, why not. Everything is a ‘lypse these days. Anyway, Molski just flat-out refuses to find a dentist in her town. It’s that kind of stubborn foolishness that might help her on the field today.
A little backstory, Steve…I’m told this is the very same hill Stacey Molski used to sled down, rocketing into the street on the makeshift toboggan run that the older, stronger Molski shovelers created by piling up the shoveled snow on one side of this driveway.
I heard she’s since moved to Hoboken, and hasn’t had to shovel snow in years - let alone drive in it. That can’t be good for her training. How IS she going to get that car up the driveway? It’s only front wheel drive!
Snow doesn’t phase her, Steve. 3 years ago she went to work during the Boxing Day Blizzard that emptied the streets of Hoboken and NYC. Sure, she was 3 hours late. But she got there. She shoveled her stoop with her feet that day. As for the car, well, I just don’t know, Steve. I just. Don’t. Know.
So what are we dealing with here, Chad? I’d say there’s 5 - maybe 6 - inches already out there on the pitch. That’s a lot for one child shoveler, but I hear it’s light, and we’re about to find out if Molski is up for it.
Oh, here she comes, Steve; she’s emerging from the garage. What’s this? She’s got TWO shovels? I thought they outlawed that. Surely, this is some kind of violation. No? Well, alright. Let’s see what she’s got up her sleeve…Speaking of sleeves, Steve, is that her usual uniform?
No, Chad, that’s her mother’s coat. She doesn’t have any of her gear with her. If you look closely you’ll see she’s not even wearing real snow boots.
Here we go, Steve! She’s taken a shovel in each hand, she’s lined them up, locked her elbows into her hips, and she has started RUNNING. No! Can it be? She’s doing the Human Snowplow! I haven’t seen this controversial move since Jack Furley in the 1958 games! …The snow was just too heavy that year. There was no way he’d make it without jamming up and catapulting himself right over those handles. That was the last driveway Furley shoveled… I heard he bought a snowblower the next day…
But NOT TODAY! Look! The snow is light enough that’s Molski’s able to make quick work of the top of the driveway… but surely she can’t control two shovels down that hill?
She’s trying it, though! Annnnd she is TOTALLY out of control. Ha! It’s like she’s lost all dominance over the movement of her limbs. Look at them flail! Boy, this IS a TREAT for the home viewers.
Oh, good, she’s decided to go down to one shovel. The snow is coming down hard today, Chad. It’s accumulating almost faster than she can clear it. She’s got to try something or she’ll never make it!
Well would you LOOK at that! She’s thrown caution - and powder - to the wind, often to have it fly back in her face, improvising an entirely new game-changing technique that she’s calling Herringboning.
But she’s shoveled this driveway the same way for 20 years, Chad! No one changes their technique!
You’re seeing it happen right here, Steve. Molski’s doing a quick diagonal to the right, then the left, then right, left, right, creating a stylish herringbone pattern as she goes. Surely those rain boots don’t have the necessary traction for such quick pivots, but she seems to be using it to her advantage! She’s conserving energy with that extra slide from gravity. This is just the right amount of snow for her shovel; she’s leaving no shrapnel behind. It’s inspired. It’s visionary. It’s Herringboning.
And it’s CLEAR! She’s ready for the car! She’s thrown aside the shovels and is running down the driveway, clearing off the windows with her non-waterproof half-hobo glove-mittens in one fell swoop of that monkey-like arm.
She’s in the car. It’s her parents’ Pontiac G6. I heard she used to sing Like a G6 as though it were about this car and not a plane or whatever. But the only person singing right now is Neil Diamond! She turns down the stereo, like a true professional, so she can hear if she hits any obstacles. Like a tree. Or her parents’ mailbox that is shaped like a little house. You know she still gets mail here, because she won’t change her address like an adult?
Here she is, Chad. She’s approaching. She’s giving that car a lot of gas, hoping to get that running start you always hear about. And it DOES the trick! She’s about a third of the way up.
Oooh she is looking pretty shaky now, Steve. She’s swerving all over the place. She’s had to floor it a few times. I don’t like the sound of THAT noise. I’m not sure she’s goin—WAIT.SHE’S DONE IT!!! STACEY MOLSKI HAS PULLED THE CAR UP THE DRIVEWAY!
…Chad, are we to believe she’s going to try to pull the car into the garage, too? Seems a little reckless. Certainly her parents can take it from here? I know the judges love this kind of stuff, but I’m just not sure…
She’s out of the car and has gone into the garage. Has she given up? No. What’s that she’s doing now, Steve? Looks like some kind of weird ritual? What ARE kids into these days? She’s hunched over, circling her car and shaking…is that a small dustpan? I can’t quite make it out.
I…think she’s trying to lay down some sand to gain traction so she doesn’t roll down the hill when she tries to back up to pull in. Yes, that’s it. She must have seen this done on TV before, and is trying to do it on her own. Looks a bit silly if you ask me…
Oh, she’s back in the G6! She’s put the windows down so she can see. She is backing up, turning…and headed straight towards the garage! She’s taking it slowly…. BUT YES! SHE’S DONE IT! SHE. IS. IN. CAN. YOU. BELIEVE. IT.
And with that, Stacey Molski has cleared her way to victory! What’s that she’s doing now? Some sort of victory dance? Seems very unsportsmanlike… Oh, no. Nope. She is just trying to shake the snow off herself so she doesn’t mess up her mom’s carpet. Effective, but not exactly elegant.
We’ve reached her parents for comment. Mrs. Molski, what do you have to say about your daughter’s performance today?
[Molski’s mom:] I told her not to go outside! Just stay warm. Was she wearing a hat? Did she find her snow boots? She should have just left it! I don’t want her to get sick. She doesn’t sleep enough, you know. What? Oh… Well, I guess if she already did it then I’ll just make her some hot chocolate.
[Molski’s dad:] She should have just waited for me to use the snowblower. Stacey, did you use ALL of the sand? What? No, I just pulled my car right up. You just need to get a running start. It’s fine. It was no problem. She shouldn’t feel bad though, her car only has two-wheel drive. It was nice of her to try to help though.
Well that’s it for us today, Steve. The awe-inspiring conclusion of yet another exciting event in the 2014 Winter Olympics. Oh wait, it sounds like her mom has another comment?
Molski’s Mom:] STACEY. WHY IS THE INSIDE OF THE CAR ALL WET?!
Epilogue: My parents were actually quite thankful and tried to give me money, which I refused, but that is less fun to write about. Also, yes, i can’t think of full names and took two from Three’s Company for the one person i had to name. And yes, I absolutely blew my own mind when i starting shoveling in a new pattern. It it SO. MUCH. EASIER.
so. what do we think? http://www.buzzfeed.com/kmallikarjuna/peter-capaldis-doctor-who-ensemble-is-revealed
i love it and i love him and i already want to marry that not quite old man
and his pants
and his vest
and i love him
i think i might fall more in love with him than any other doctor
i sense this coming
it is in the air
what i'm trying to say is
i can feel it coming in the air tonight
BA DUM BA DUM DUM DUM DUM
that was a drum solo